One Day at a Time

I used to think “I’m just taking it one day at a time” was something people just said. Now I understand all too well what it really means and it’s often my response when someone asks how I’m doing. That response sounds way better than “Well I had two good days, but I cried in the bathtub yesterday and I woke up screaming this morning”. How I feel or how I’m doing varies from day to day. I really am taking this one day at a time and some days one hour at a time. There are some days when I think I have it together and then later realize that I don’t.

Yesterday I lost my ish. The morning was went well and then I was told that Awesome A had talked about how he’d lost his little brother and how he gets sad at school sometimes. This was nothing I hadn’t heard Awesome A say before, but today it was a trigger. After hubby went back to work after lunch I was at home alone, just me and my thoughts. That’s when I asked Him aloud why he gave Jacob to me to just take him away. At that moment I was angry. Everything in my world was wrong and I didn’t (and at this moment still don’t) understand why my Jacob is not here with us.

Yesterday I learned that I can’t outrun grief.

I walked around my house screaming at God asking Him a bunch of “why” questions. Why did he take my Jacob, why couldn’t he get my attention another way, why was I being punished. After a while I gathered my composure and decided that I needed to get out of the house. While I was running my last errand huge tears began to form as I wrote a check to pay a bill. It came from out of nowhere. I felt like running away but my feet wouldn’t move. I stood there desperately trying to stop the tears with absolutely no success when the manager walked up to me and said “It’s okay. I don’t know how you lasted this long”. Today as I write this I realized that my keeping busy wasn’t my way of coping as I’d thought; it was my way of running away.  Yesterday I learned that I can’t outrun grief. Yesterday I also realized that I should not wait until February (when the therapist that was #1 on my list is accepting clients) to see a therapist. I’ve had a lot going on in the past weeks (losing Jacob, being hospitalized, having my identity stolen, etc.) and I need to make sure I safeguard my mental health. I know that I have to take care of myself so that I can take care of Awesome A and Bunny.

Yesterday I also looked into a therapist for Awesome A and found a great resource through the youth center on base and that is the Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC). Military Family Life Counselors licensed professional counselors for service members and their families who provide non-medical counseling for free for up to 12 sessions. MFLC counselors can help in problem solving various issues including, but not limited to:

• Relationship issues
• Family issues
• Financial
• Developing communication skills with Family members
• Stress and anxiety
• Child & youth behavioral issues
• Occupational issues
• Depression
• Grief and loss
• Anger management

Here’s some info on MFLC

Doing some research about the MFLC program led me to a lot of other resources available to military families. My advice for Milspouses new and old is to do some research and ask questions. If we don’t use these resources they may disappear.