Being an ABA professional I’d like to believe that I have a pretty good understanding about triggers. When I’m observing a client when I’m doing a functional behavior assessment I make note of fast and slow triggers for specific behaviors and use this information to create antecedent interventions to modify the environment so that problem behaviors aren’t prompted or elicited. Since losing my sweet baby Jacob I’ve been focused on my own triggers.
When I returned home from the hospital after Jacob’s passing my mom, sisters and one of my best friends put away the baby items that were downstairs and in my bedroom. They were in a sense implementing a antecedent intervention. They were concerned that my seeing these baby items would trigger sadness, however, in the past few weeks when I’m feeling sad I go to Jacob’s nursery. 
Seeing the mamaRoo triggers memories of him sleeping peacefully with his eye open and seeing the carriers I used trigger memories of having him close to me. In the last few weeks I’ve been trying to be self-aware and taking note of things that trigger me and creating my own antecedent interventions like unfollowing Facebook friends who had babies around the same time as I had Jacob and unsubscribing to emails from BabyCenter and other baby related websites. Like when I’m working with a client it’s impossible to know all possible triggers.
On Christmas Eve I grabbed the clothing I’d bought and dressed Aaron and Anna in there matching Christmas outfits and at the bottom of the bag was the outfit I’d bought for Jacob. I bought these outfits for Christmas photos I’d planned to take when the hubby came home. I just sat there at the top of the stairs and thought about all of the things I’d planned for Jacob and my family of five that would never come to be. I’m finding that things that trigger thoughts of what could or would have been having the great effect on me.
Today triggers came at me left and right including one that really surprised me. This morning I awoke to a notification that size 1 diapers were being shipped. I’d forgot to cancel the subscription. Then I got online and saw the articles about how Debbie Reynolds had died the day after her daughter passed away. This triggered memories and emotions I felt when I loss Jacob. Everything came to a head when I saw a comment a FB friend made jokingly about Debbie Reynold’s passing being “one of those times when someone said Take me too Lord and he finally did”. Although I’ve never said those words the comment hurt because I felt it made light of the pain mothers feel when they lose a child whether that child is 60 years or 10 days old. My thoughts were immediately “How dare you make fun of my pain”. Eight weeks ago maybe I would have thought of characters like Wanda from Good Times who were overly dramatic at everyone’s funeral and chuckled at the comment, but not today. Today the person who made the comment was a horrible person who was making fun of this sorority I never wanted to be in. I spent an hour weeping and thinking about the “Come to Jesus” meeting I needed to have with this person before I realized that I might be overreacting. Although the comment was a bit insensitive the person had made the comment in jest and it was not directed towards me.
Although I’ve never said the words “Lord take me now”, I definitely felt that way when I was told that I could no longer hold Jacob. I knew that I would never get to hold him again on Earth and it’s the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I sometimes feel that I’ll never know peace again until I’m reunited with my angel baby, but “Lord take me now” has turned into “Lord, guide me”. Losing Jacob was a trigger in itself. It’s triggered me to have a strengthened faith in God and live a life that is pleasing to Him so that I can be reunited with Jacob someday. Over the past few weeks I have asked God why. I want to know the purpose because I know there is a purpose because I truly believe that God doesn’t make mistakes. I know that my pain has a purpose and lately I’ve been wondering if this pain has to do with MY purpose for being here. I’ve been praying for guidance and clarity and will continue to pray. I’ll also continue to write.
Thank you for sharing your triggers. Debbie Reynolds’ passing was a trigger for me today too. I unsubscribed to every baby email I signed up for (and there were a lot) after my son Jensen passed in August. But every now and then I will get one, and it catches my breath.