Over the past 6 months I have experienced so many things that have caused me to stop and reflect. Recently, I have started losing my hair caused my the combination of postpartum shedding and a side effect of my PPCM treatment. My hair plays a major role in my self-esteem, much bigger of a role than I had originally thought. I have always gotten compliments on my hair and I remember being told by various people to always keep my hair healthy with an extra comment about how I should never cut it. Like many women when I get my hair done just right I feel great and may even throw in some extra sashay to my step. As a Black woman I have had insecurities and issues regarding my hair and its texture. I was teased in grade school because I’d never gotten a relaxer and my edges were not perfectly laid. That changed when I was an undergraduate and and the big natural hair movement began and I was praised for being so “ahead of the game”. I stopped getting my bimonthly and press and curl and started embracing my 4a curls.
This past February I noticed that I was losing clumps of hair and just chalked it up to postpartum hair shedding. I’d experienced it with my son and daughter, however, I noticed that my hairline was thinning which was not something I’d experienced after past pregnancies. So, I took to the Internet and found information on hair loss associated with PPCM and found that it was a pretty common side effect of beta-blockers and then I talked to my cardiologist about other possible medications.
A few days later I found myself crying in the mirror as I Iooked at all of the hairless spots and the absence of my hairline. I was upset because I was losing my hair but more so upset at the fact I was crying over losing my hair. I felt ashamed of myself. Here I was standing, something that I had not been able to do with ease just 4 months ago and I was crying over hair. How could I be crying when my life had been spared.
I had not thought myself to be a shallow person, but here I was crying over vanity. I thought of all of my heart sisters who have not had the same recovery as me. I was mad at myself for being so ungrateful. Then I realized that I was being human. I was allowed to be sad that I was losing my hair and it wasn’t wrong for me to consider other options in medication. I feel that sometimes we Christians have the “If you do this for me (or bring me out of this) I won’t ask him for anything else” mentality. We sometimes think that just because we receive blessings and favor that we are supposed to just settle with whatever else is dealt to us. However, there is no cap on blessings. Asking for more doesn’t mean that we are not grateful for what we have.
I’m so grateful you shared this. You never know whose journey you will enrich with your words!!